If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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