you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
