We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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