so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
