I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
