Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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