What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
