Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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