My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Randomize
