the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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