i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize