Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
