Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
