Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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