are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
