I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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