Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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