It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
