I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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