I could make wine with my vomit
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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