Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
