Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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