a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
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just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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