Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We left the knife in your bed.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
