i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
