Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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