first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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