There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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