The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
