honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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