You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
