This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
