sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
