He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
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you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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