If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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