can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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