Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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