Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
