This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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