What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
