how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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