You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
