I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
