you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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