Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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