Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
