i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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