saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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