Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
