Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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