I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
