They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
