the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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