im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
